try this at home

Robin was suffering. She was in the second day of a nasty sinus infection
and we had just received our new scene assignments. So she has an important scene coming up and she can’t be all ‘stuffy.’ I make a sad suggestion that I might be able to fill a prescription for antibiotics if I make a few calls, and then I thought of another solution. A saline solution… “now, this is going to hurt but it will totally make you feel better.” Robin looked curious. Her head cocked like a bird. “Did you just say SNORT salt water?”

I spirited a handful of salt packets from the café across the street under heavy surveillance and certain that I was about to be apprehended by the female ninjas that work behind the counter. My crime went unnoticed and we started to make our way back to our building. Robin stopped dead in her tracks and said, “do you see what I see?” I looked up to see a small yellow stream coming out of the driver’s side of a cab. The stream didn’t appear to be attached to anything, which made it seem that the cab itself was peeing on the sidewalk.

Upstairs in the girl’s room I measured water into Robin’s Nalgene like Marie Curie. “Zee salt vater vil make you feel much better.” Totally unaware that there was a very tall blond accented model in the bathroom stall, accompanied by two other well dressed skeletons, I started to explain the procedure. I offered to do it once for her, just as had been done for my benefit when I learned to snort like my career depended on it. We’d have a bond forever from this experience. I promised. “oh God Jessyca, look at your face!” Robin cried. My expression with the first snort was that of constipation and utter disgust. I cried a little. The excess solution spewed forth like Old Faithful. I felt so ineffective as a teacher. Robin took it like a champ. Twice. I was impressed. The models looked curious and we thought about pushing it on them; as good as snorting salt water was making Robin feel, seeing models snort salt water would make her feel even better.
We’d call it “flow” and tell them that everyone was doing it. Alas, it was time for Voiceover class.

Robin sat opposite me on the floor sequestering herself and giving me the best view of her sinuses. We traded off objects, pretending to stuff them up our noses. chapstick, a water bottle, actual contact lens solution, pens, a camera, and her coup d’etat, a tampon, which nearly got me thrown out of class; I couldn’t stop convulsing with laughter. Best sinus infection ever.